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Ha ha, we brought down their shields on one side! Now, instead of beaming Picard out through the hole, we'll send one squad of Morlocks, er- I mean Remans in, because all the fans expect at least one contrived and totally pointless corridor fighting scene.
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| RIKER: | Why did we abandon our posts on the bridge to come down here and fight these guys? Shouldn't we have a security detail? |
| WORF: | Because the audience expects main characters to be involved in every scene. |
| RIKER: | And why are we the first ones to arrive, even though the Remans came in through the bottom of the ship and we had to come from the bridge at the top of the ship? |
| WORF: | How the hell should I know? Maybe most of the crew is on vacation. And why are the lights so fucking dark? |
| RIKER: | Dim red light makes everything look more foreboding. |
| WORF: | But didn't they say that the Remans see really well in the dark and can't stand bright lights? Why don't we crank up the lights to fullbright and blind 'em? |
| RIKER: | Shut up and just try to look dramatic. |
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Damn! I can't believe I missed a six foot tall purple-robed troll from 10 feet away. All those years of Starfleet training and holodeck marksmanship practice really paid off, didn't they? I guess that means I have to chase him into the bowels of the ship and have a heroic fistfight. Oooh boy, I get to be an action hero!
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Umm, Shinzon? We took out their weapons and stopped in front of them for dramatic effect just as you ordered, but it looks like they're accelerating to ram us. Luckily, their engines are so trashed that it will take them almost half a minute to hit us. Should we go to full reverse?
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Uhhh, Shinzon? Hello?
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What was that? Oh yes, turn left! I mean, HARD TO PORT! Even though we're not moving with our main engines, so we'll just sort of wallow around like a beached whale ...
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Whoa, that didn't work too well. Sorry, guys! And watch out for falling debris!
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| SHINZON: | Well, that was pretty ugly. Now the front of our ship is all fucked up from the Enterprise ramming it. |
| CREW: | You noticed? Now their saucer is wedged into our ship! |
| SHINZON: | Wait, I have an idea. Let's try full reverse. |
| CREW: | Oh, I see. NOW you go full reverse. Fucking idiot. |
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Ha! I finally caught Mr. Purple Robes and now I'm having a fistfight with him. On a catwalk. Over a bottomless pit. Are there any more clichés we can throw in here? And why is the lighting so bad? Is there some kind of lightbulb shortage in the Federation? Oh well, at least you know how this cliche will end: the villain will fall to his death. Why did we even bother with this whole wheezing "Reman boarding party" subplot anyway?
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| CREW: | The Scimitar is spreading its "targeting wings". |
| PICARD: | Targeting wings? It needs fancy targeting wings to hit something bigger than an aircraft carrier from only 1 km away, dead ahead? |
| CREW: | Yup. And it needs to charge up for 7 minutes too. |
| PICARD: | Excellent. Just enough time for another contrived action scene. Hey, if it takes 7 minutes to charge up to kill 1000 people, how long would it take to kill 6 billion? |
| CREW: | I'd calculate about 80 years. Who the hell wrote this? |
| PICARD: | Thank God I signed up for X-Men. |
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